We experience conflict in our workplaces, in our communities, and our institutions. While conflict is inevitable, it is not irreparable. How do effective leaders approach conflict? How can we ensure that our conflicts are civil?

The leaders who have personally experienced conflict tend to be more comfortable addressing conflict than others. Observing parents or caregivers engage in arguments that eventually resulted in greater understanding, and trust seems to precede an aptitude for successful conflict resolution.

Leaders who have experienced shouting, name-calling, and resentment in their personal lives typically have to work harder to understand how to best address conflict resolution with confidence.

To be effective, leaders need to understand that serious, respectful disagreements are part of normal communication and that all participants must seek to understand. They have seen how listening stimulates creative problem-solving skills and collective genius within teams. When they see trouble brewing, they are quick to confront it before issues have time to fester. Conflict is not about winning; it is about learning.

Successful Conflict Resolution

The communication model, “Compassionate Communication,” developed by neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Waldman, has proven to be extremely effective in resolving conflicts. In brief, it recommends that participants:

Speak briefly. Do you know that the brain can hold only about ten words in working memory (i.e., your current state of consciousness)? Considering that most Americans speak for two minutes before pausing, the listener may only remember one-tenth of what was said. To encourage clarity, insist that participants state their issues and responses in ten words or less. Watch how the tone of the conversation, the word choice, and the quality of listening changes.

Speak slowly. The best key-note speakers use this technique to catch the audience’s attention and emphasize a point. The same is true when tempers flare. Varying your cadence by shifting to a slower pace at critical moments helps lower the temperature of emotions.

Speak warmly. Even in conflict, a warm tone of voice can engender trust and cooperation. Why? We unconsciously mirror the neural activity of the speaker’s brain. This process, known as neural resonance, allows us to more fully understand and more accurately assess the information that is being imparted.

Listen deeply… And without judgment for understanding. This foundation can help resolve even the most seemingly intractable arguments.

These techniques take practice. However, if we want to live in a more peaceful, joyful world, where work environments encourage cooperation, collaboration, and creative thought divergence, it will be worth the effort.

Train Your Brain

Try training your brain to think in 10-word sentences by playing this adapted version of the 10-10 Game. Ask a friend, family member, or colleague to join you and follow these steps:

1. Sit comfortably. Take a deep breath. Relax.
2. Hold your hands in front of you, making a fist. With each word you speak, raise one finger. When you’ve used all ten fingers, you must stop talking and listen to the other person’s ten-word response.
3. After listening to the other person’s ten-word response, respond only to what they said. Don’t go off-topic.
4. Keep going until you reach a point of understanding or the issue has been resolved.

You will end conflicts at home before they begin because there will not be any room for emotional derailment. The 10-10 Game is fun and simple. And, it forces your brain to find the best words to convey what you mean rapidly. It creates the ideal conditions for resolving conflict with respect for everyone involved.

Linda Cassell, M.Ed, CPCC, is an independent certified neuro leadership coach at Management Concepts and president of Quantum Leap Coaching and Training, LLC. An expert in leadership development, crisis management, and culture transformation, Linda works with executives in the commercial, non-profit, and public sectors. She holds a Bachelor of Science and Master’s degrees in Education from Kent State University and is a graduate of the Coaches Training Institute. Linda also holds a Neuro Leadership Coach certification from the Mark Waldman program.

What’s changed for you in 2020?

• A boss or colleague left your organization
• New government restrictions changed how you do your job
• Your team implemented a new process

It wouldn’t matter if you read those bullets today, ten years ago, or even a century ago. Largely, they’re the same concerns we face virtually every year. Humans don’t react well to change, so these concerns mean that we have foreboding cultural angst that manifests itself as plain old worry.

As effective managers, we have the option of giving in to that worry or creating an environment where our peers, team members, and managers can worry just a little bit less. We can best alleviate the worry by leveraging social “anchors” in the world around us. In a sea of change, anchors provide a desperately needed degree of constancy.

Social Anchor Theory

Under Social Anchor Theory, some common contexts and norms provide steadiness in an unsteady world. Any time we can point to something unchanging, it’s an anchor. Even when disasters and civil unrest make members of society believe that life will never get back to normal, people turn to the aspects of their world that do not and will not change.

The concept of Social Anchor Theory is that we all can stabilize the world around us by recognizing those elements that will not change. It’s the reason a warm fire in the fireplace feels cozy. Those who appreciate a roaring fire know that passion will not change with time or situation. And while a hometown may grow or morph over time, it’s still a hometown, with some (if not all) of the familiar trappings.

As leaders, we can develop social anchors for our people. Utility companies do this by opening every meeting with a “Safety Minute.” Some organizations drag out the same holiday decorations for every holiday. Some managers have standard greetings that they use in virtually every situation. And while it may seem those become trite or hackneyed, they serve to anchor our expectations in routines. And those anchors become a comfort.
It creates the opportunity to identify the elements of our workplace and culture that become norms. What norms can leaders create?

• Food – Be it doughnuts or lobster, a regular treat can become an anchor
• Art – Whether it’s Dogs Playing Poker or Girl with a Pearl Earring, the familiarity of a piece of art becomes anchoring over time
• Ceremony – Following the same protocols time and again eventually becomes an anchor
• Theater – Consistently referring to the same plays or movies (e.g., These aren’t the droids you’re looking for) can develop into anchors as well

The idea is to provide cues that are consistent — and ideally unique — to the agency, organization, or team. Once those cues are well-ensconced, they become social context. Indeed, they may even become what Clopton refers to as social capital. They have intrinsic value in the relationship setting involved.

Why Bother Creating Anchors?

Over time, social anchors create a shared sense of service and commitment. Researcher Jessica Sellick points to several studies that demonstrate that social anchors also attract a higher caliber of talent. She asserts that anchors create staying power in the workplace, making it harder to leave.

Begin applying Social Anchor Theory today by drawing attention to the common, long-lived elements in your organization’s environment and affirm the comfort they provide. It’s a huge, long-term win.

Carl Pritchard, PMP, PMI-RMP, is the principal and founder of Pritchard Management Associates and a senior instructor at Management Concepts. An expert lecturer, author, researcher, instructor, and coach, Carl focuses on project management, particularly risk and communications. Carl earned a bachelor’s degree in journalism from The Ohio State University and PMP. He welcomes your comments and insights.